My friend sent me a link to the trailer for this Unhung Hero documentary. It’s some dude who’s girlfriend turned down his marriage proposal (on a JumboTron! How embarrassing for him! Couldn’t get worse than that!) because… WAIT FOR IT… he’s got a tiny, tiny penis (oh, wow. It somehow got worse!)
But like, here’s the thing, and someone should have had a conversation with this man before the film was marketed, because I can’t say for sure that this entire movie is a ploy to ensure that every size-queen out there feels bad about his or herself and so that this guy gets laid for eternity not in spite of, but because of his (now-mildly famous) tiny penis.
I have not seen this movie, I have not seen the penis in question. What I can tell you is this: The man in the trailer is reasonably attractive and clearly not afraid of commitment. He bought a ring, he was gonna do it if she said yes (presuming this thing wasn’t a whole set up so that he could make this movie, which I would not put past anyone, but especially not a kind of sad-seeming filmmaker in Los Angeles.)
This man should have absolutely no problem finding many, many interesting, intelligent and pretty women who would be willing to consider his tiny dick her forever dick (I would not, not because I am a size-queen, but because I hate contrived bullshit like this and my vagina rolled over and died halfway through the trailer). He should chalk up his long-term relationship ending not because he has a small penis, but because he was with a woman who would not marry him SUPPOSEDLY because he has a small dick.
Look, no. A tiny little penis is not ideal. it’s just not. But is it a deal breaker? If everything else is awesome, no. It’s not. If any of this is true and this woman supposedly dumped him because he had a small dick, she is lying. There is something else wrong and she won’t say what it is. Maybe he has a small dick and has no idea how to operate it. Maybe dating a struggling filmmaker with a small dick is frustrating. Maybe dating a struggling filmmaker who needs to propose to her on camera in front of thousands of strangers in order to feel like it’s a real proposal makes him the kind of guy that’s not for her. Maybe there’s something about the personality of the type of person who would stick a camera in the face of his ex-girlfriends and doctors and ask, “Is it realllyy a big deal that I have a smaller-than-average penis?”
I’s not just the dick. It’s never, ever, EVER just the dick. You fucking WISH it was that cut and dry. We all do.
And I can guarantee you that this entire film, whether anyone involved is prepared to admit it or not, is just a sad plea for a non-stop stream of sympathy pussy. AND OH, I’M SURE HE’S GOING TO GET IT. I’m soooo sure that so many girls will be like, “That’s so sad that girl did that to him. He’s kinda cute. He must be really messed up over having a small dick to go far enough to make a movie. That’s sad. I should send him a Facebook message.”
And next thing you know, he’s cheating the small dick having system, which is just not fair to all of the guys out there who have small dicks and have the fucking decency to try and make up for that by being smart or interesting and sincere. Like, just because this shameless fuck is “brave” enough to pose the tired, exhausted, haggard-ass question, “does size matter?” does not mean that you should treat him like he’s not a small dick motherfucker who just figured out a way to exploit your natural inclination to show empathy toward someone this fucking pathetic.
Decided to take in the city with a champagne beverage this afternoon to treat myself for a day of work and a lifetime of pain. I sometimes go to a place that looks over the city, specifically Beverly Hills.
I was out on the balcony, smoking a cigarette because I love them and I don’t anticipate not loving them any time soon (I stopped smoking in my bedroom, though), and this guy and his friend came out and took in the city, specifically what was directly beneath them and this dude says to his friend,
"Smart move buying a multimillion dollar home where people can look directly into your pool. I bet that’s fun."
And I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself because A) I am poor-brained and have no standards and would totally buy that house without hesitation if I was in the position to do so because like, “HEY, I GOTTA POOL!!!” and B) It was such a cynical yet intelligent observation that I couldn’t tell if I should feel bad for the people that live there or him or me or his friend because he has to be his friend and P.S. C) This is why I don’t like to leave my apartment.