My dog walker asked me if I would review his business on Yelp and I was like, “Um, I would fucking die for you, of course I will do that.”
He’s just so awesome, really. Like, so great with my dog and he’s Israeli and has a great sense of humor and loves American cliches, but doesn’t always get it right. Like I used to have a big mason jar of one dollar bills on display in my kitchen cuz like— baller! But my dog walker all pulled me aside one day and was like, “You have a lot of people coming in and out of here and I think cash is tempting and I suggest you hide it. You know, stick it somewhere the sun don’t shine.”
And I know he meant “somewhere people can’t see it and be tempted to dip in to it” but it took me a second. I was like, “Yo, did he just tell me to stick a jar of money up my butt?”
So I think about that like 15 hours a week and he takes great care of Wags, so I wrote him a Yelp review and a Google Maps review. I may or may not be a teensy bit stoned and I think I got a little “flowery”, if you will, for a Yelp review, but it is what it is.
Anyway, the point of me telling you all this crap was to say that I logged into Yelp for the first time in SO MANY years and this was my profile. I was like 22 when I made this.
I was and still am such a borderline retard, but it’s amazing to think about what kinda shit you were saying to the world about yourself a little more than half a decade ago.