Last night Ed and I went out with his friend David and before we left we all got pizza, which is my fav.

So we were getting pizza and Ed was describing his apartment to David and I was like, “His decorating style is very East Coast,” and then we heard a voice be like, “I know a thing or two about the East Coast.”

We all like, whip our heads around and in the corner is a sun burnt juicehead wearing an Affliction t-shirt and a silver chain. He was charging his Nokia phone next to the soda machine and leaning back in his chair.

It turns out that the dude was in town for the weekend from Philly. A few months earlier he’d met a girl from Los Angeles in a bar and they drunkenly hooked up. They wound up keeping in touch, and one night she called him and told him she’d booked him a ticket to come visit. He explained that as soon as he got to LA he realized he wasn’t attracted to her, and after flying him out from Philly to get some, this chick was pissed. They got in a huge fight. She kicked him out, threatened to cancel his return flight that leaves Monday all the way in Santa Ana and now he was sitting in a pizza shop charging his Nokia phone waiting to find out what his next move was going to be. 

I’m gonna say it: The dude looked broke in the way you just know someone’s broke. Not poor exactly, but standard lower-middle-class-twenty-something-uneducated-male broke. He looked like he was a construction worker or some other person who lives hand to mouth like most of the country. I live hand to mouth, you know? But I would have been OK if I had been stranded in a city because I’m like, good at begging and propositioning and some family member or friend would be like, charging some shit to some card to save my ass if need be. This dude… it didn’t seem like that was an option for him. He actually seemed like he maybe, at the very most, had like… 200 bucks to play with. And he’s stuck here until Monday and he’s going to need like at least 100 of that to get to the airport. OH, and he’d for some reason packed like, everything he owned for this weekend and two huge suitcases were stationed outside the pizza place. They were so big they couldn’t even come inside the pizza place. Think about that.

We were all looking at him looking at us and we knew he wanted us to save him. But we were going to a drag show and he was a stranger. I mean, even if we brought him with us to the drag show in Echo Park, he still would have needed somewhere to spend the night and like, yeah right. So I put my thinking cap on and stared out the window for a second. Then I saw the answer in the distance: Barney’s Beanery. The meat rack. The only place in LA that I can 100% guarantee that you can walk in single and leave with a slut no matter who you are. Barney’s Beanery is where people go to fuck.

I told him, “This is what you need to do. You need to go up the street to Barney’s Beanery, you need to find some girl and you need to work her all night. Then you put your cards on the table and pray she’s a decent person. If you can’t get laid there, I’m serious: You’re retarded.”

The dude started laughing and he was like, “Yeah, but what are the girls like there? I was there earlier and none of them looked too cute.”

AND THAT WAS HIS PROBLEM, PEOPLE. Charging a Nokia phone at a pizza place, freakin’ out some strangers and acting like he had options. In an Affliction t-shirt. Sunburnt. With a silver chain. Acting like he had options. Homeless, two huuuuuge suitcases, acting like there’s an option in the world available to him other than swallowing his damn pride. Flew out to LA on some chick’s dime and when she wasn’t as attractive as he remembered, he decided to hit the streets over sucking it up and just showing her some damn love.

I told him that no one agreed that he was in the position to be picky right now and to get his ass down to Barney’s. Ed told him he could probably give the bartender a 20 to keep his suitcases behind the bar while he went to go work his magic on some liquored up retail manager.

And that’s what happens when you’re an entitled loser. That’s how you come across to others when you don’t have shit to back it up. Don’t be scrubbing like that, crazies.