I have realized than any success I have had in this town comes down to two things that I’ve done: trickery and begging.

OK, so trickery is like, all that whack shit you gotta do to get your foot in the door. Like, when they hired me at Gawker? I didn’t even OWN A COMPUTER. I did, but it was a Sony Vaio that was infested with more viruses than your mother’s neither regions. So over the course of the first week, I hustled my way to a camera, a computer, a fucking Internet connection and all the software I needed to do my job. A lot of people wouldn’t have even applied for a job they so clearly didn’t meet the qualifications for, but I just rolled up in there like I was all set to go and acted as such in front of the right people and they didn’t even notice how far behind I was. That was some trickery on my part. I tricked a lot of mother fuckers. And that’s a surface example. I could further defame myself by revealing stunts I’ve pulled, but I respect you all too much to bring you down that dirty path.

And then there’s begging. I am not too proud to beg, people. Never have been. I will beg a man, a friend, a stranger, whatever. If I want what I want, I will do what I have to do to get it and that most certainly includes begging. You see, had I not posted on my Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter that I was most desperately seeking a pair of tickets to see my beloved Lily Allen, I would be sitting on my thumbs tomorrow night in Glendale doing menial work as I do every night. But instead, tomorrow I will be too fucked up to care who thinks what of me and my begging in the front row of the Lily Allen show. ‘Cause I went there and another person didn’t.

Lay yourself down on the tracks of life, you guys. I guess that’s what I’m saying. Do what you gotta do to make what you want happen, ‘cause if you don’t another person will. Most likely me.